the tao of fish Adeleida's blog http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/ en-us Wed, 21 Jul 2010 03:23:58 +0200 Thank you’s on my mom’s passing away Wed, 21 Jul 2010 03:23:58 +0200 http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/thank-yous-on-my-moms-passing-away Adeleida Bingham http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/thank-yous-on-my-moms-passing-away?opendocument&comments http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/thank-yous-on-my-moms-passing-away
Dear good friends

Thank you so much for your kind messages. I think taking care of Joni has carried me through these past few days. She is such a little sunshine and our household is infused with joy every day through her. On the other hand what has been hard is seeing her do new things like laughing out of her tummy or starting to notice trees and the sky, and knowing there would not be a next time that my mom would be coming around that I would be able to share it with her. Just recently Grant and I spoke about how much has happened to him that he was never able to share with his dad. Every time I put Joni to sleep with her teddy that my mom gave her, I am sad that she will not remember her ouma. Or know any of her grandfathers. (And Grant's mom starting smoking again a month ago does not help this situation, may I add. A very sore point in the family right now.)

Thank you for all the offers of help. I am so grateful that this time round I do not have to do a funeral-by-government-committee. It is so much easier and I think things will actually get done, on time and in style. I'm even practising hymns on the piano for the funeral on Saturday. I think the biggest pain will be trying to clean out fifteen years of accumulated stuff from their garage with a baby on the hip and just making a plan with all the other furniture and things in the house before we sell it. It is a somewhat cruel blessing that a time of introspection and grief is so overshadowed by practical admin and organisation, all painfully reminding one of the loss every step of the way, lasting for months. I can't believe I have to do this just a year after my dad. It is just still sinking in slowly, especially in the sleepless hours of the mornings like now.

Other than that I think I just want to assure everyone that I am ok and although I am sad, I am also grateful. My mom has not had an easy life and has not been well for the last twenty years or so of her life, being on heavy medication most of the time, which tragically dulled her unbelievably bright and creative mind. I think she missed my dad a lot. I know she had a lot of happiness in the last few months with a new grandchild around. I am thankful that, as with my dad, we were spared a long illness but that she was taken probably without her even realising it and without suffering, in a swift moment. There are terrible regrets in that she left a message on my phone the night before saying she thinks there is something wrong with her and she just wants to hold her little grandchild one more time. That breaks my heart every time I think about it. Only time will heal that. And perhaps making sure that Joni holds that little teddy as a comfort. She would have liked that.

So, at the end, just this: thank you everyone for being so thoughtful. It is so much appreciated. I can not tell you how much it means that so many people actually care and are so kind. It is all that really matters, in the end. I wish I can remember that myself every day. Thank you.

Adi ]]> http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dxcomments/thank-yous-on-my-moms-passing-away http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/thank-yous-on-my-moms-passing-away?opendocument&comments My birth story Tue, 18 May 2010 18:50:45 +0200 http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/my-birth-story Adeleida Bingham http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/my-birth-story?opendocument&comments http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/my-birth-story "The One where Magnum PI shows up") when I suddenly realised, hey, what's with the plumbing today, there seemed to be some leakage. Could this be that my water may have broken? It was two weeks early still and it wasn’t a very convincing thought at the time as there really was no gush and mass flooding of the proximity, as portrayed in just about every Hollywood visual that I’ve ever seen on the matter. It was really just a little spurt and a soak which made the verdict more likely that my last few body parts has finally given over to the pressure and is waving the big white flag of surrender under this glorious mass of tummy that I accumulated the last nine months. Then it happened a second time, twenty minutes later and I started wondering how cool it would be if This Was Actually It. And in the same breath I start crapping myself as I had not finished packing my hospital bags yet, so I did a super whirlwind final packing of my hospital bags, Just In Case. I was so ready, oh so ready, to wave a big farewell to this demon called the third trimester and get on with the whole baby thing already! Hopes weren’t too high though, as many a very pregnant lady has rushed off to the hospital only to be sent back home red faced with a “nope, that was pee, you newbie moron”. That is then also pretty much the message I gave to my husband when he phoned to say he’s on his way home. When he arrived home I actually found a bit of blood now too, so I told him that I’ll pop into hospital for the routine CTG scan that I was due for anyway, the next day, while he took the dogs for a walk.

At hospital, they hooked me up to the CTG machine and, as expected, nothing, nada. Not even a little blip of a uterine contraction and little baby was just fast asleep, the heartbeat all restful and peaceful. Twenty minutes later, they declare it a probable non-event and said they’ll communicate the CTG results through to my gynaecologist. There was no more leakage either so they can't really do a good litmus test to confirm whether I was spilling amniotic fluid or whether I was just, you know, peeing my pants. I made a call to Grant saying, enjoy the dog walk, nothing happening here, see you at home and please remember to pick up Steers Wacky Wednesday burgers on your way home. (Hint: I'm still waiting for those burgers).

A few moments later the nurse peeped into the room again and asked the magic question: when did I eat last? I realised my gynae made a judgement call to get little baba out that night. My heart almost jumped right out of my throat while I tried to remember: uhm... late afternoon? Some toast? The nurse darts off again. I sat back and breathed deeply and as dignified as possible while freaking out just a little bit. It seems nine months are still not enough to really prepare you for when the moment comes. Of all things, I then remembered that I also had a massive piece of chocolate cake just an hour or two before and I ran down the passage to tell the nurse, who was back on the phone to my gynaecologist. (I believe my brain intentionally blocked out that little sinful indulgence, b.t.w. ). The nurse waved a “don’t worry” at me while she smiled the update to my gynae on the phone. I returned to my little room to wait for the nurse’s announcement which came just a few minutes later: get into this gown, you’re going into theatre in half an hour!

Back on the phone to husband I went, bawling my eyes out and telling him to get the damn dogs back to the house and come over and Bring The Camera, we’re having ourselves a little girl that night! For the life of me I can not remember what happened in those minutes between the phone call and him arriving – I think I made three trips to the toilet and put on my elegant ass-revealing hospital gown and just lied down on the bed and kept thinking, she’s coming, she’s coming, at last, with a big grin on my face and tears in my eyes. My gynae arrived at some point, also with her usual big smile, and I then relaxed in knowing all will be fine. It was well after hours so a lot of phone calls were made to get an anaesthetist and a paediatrician organised also.

Grant arrived and we took a few shots of my massive belly as a desperate attempt to at least get one of the hundred To Do’s Before Baby Arrives done before it is too late. My only belly shots! Then we casually walked over to the theatre which, thank goodness, did not look like the gloomy theatres from Grey's Anatomy but was white and bright and very relaxed and friendly indeed. The anaesthetist arrived and everyone hailed him as if he was the best anaesthetist they have ever met. Now that is what you want to hear before someone pokes a needle in your back! He did a flawless job and my legs slowly turned to jelly as they positioned me on the table and put up the shield. While this was going on, husband was running up and down the stairs to fetch a nappy and a little beanie from my bags. I panicked for a moment realising he had no idea where I parked my car which had all the bags in, what if he took too long and missed everything! But he arrived, well in time, with a tiny nappy and an enormous pink beanie – sure signs that there was really and actually another little life form now firmly on its way.

The Caesar can only be described as quick and uneventful but kind of rough: those doctors really get stuck into your insides with a vengeance! And the paediatrician at some point stood behind me and pushed my whole tummy down like a sack of potatoes and I just heard cheers and thanks from the other side. Uh, ok, do whatever you need to do I guess... Husband was the star as he got up and took some amazing photos of the procedure. I then heard them say, look, her eyes were already opened as she was being born, apparently something that doesn’t happen often. I remember thinking, hey, that’s a good way to come into this world: with your eyes wide open. Then...the magic moment just a second or two later when her cries ripped through the room, loud and clear and sounding terribly upset about the state of affairs. All I wanted to do was see her and hold her but I only got a brief viewing before she was whisked away for checks. At least daddy got to go with and be with her for those precious first moments. Merely a few minutes later a big bundle of blanket with the tiniest little face peering out was put into my arms and I just cried as we held this wonderful gift and miracle, the most beautiful moments of all my life at the time. I think they saw we were very moved as they left her with us for far too long as she was terribly cold, her little hands and tiny fingers all blue and she needed to be warmed up. She was whisked away upstairs to a warming chamber with dad in tow while I was pushed into recovery, where I started shivering uncontrollably as the spinal block started wearing off. They pushed a hot air hose under the covers to help with the shivers but it was of little use as I was not actually cold but just experiencing this common side effect of the anaesthetics which really is just totally unpleasant. Dad kept bouncing between me and the baby with status updates and it was good to hear that all was well even though she was not with me.

About two hours passed before the shivering stopped and at about the same time, she was ready to come out and back to us. Oh, it was so amazing. She latched with vigour (far too much vigour, I realised a day later, when I ended up with purple and blue bruises all over) and we were just... two clumsy new parents not knowing much about what to do but holding onto every moment. Just the amazing way I always thought it would be.
I think back to this first night and I still bawl my eyes out. Every day since has been so amazing. There have been tough times: breastfeeding did not come easily at all (but all is well now), we seem to have landed a colicky baby also (but we are managing much better, thanks to Telament and Bennett’s colic mixture) and don’t get me started on the deprivation of sleep (still working on that one, but it is getting better)! But her just being here far outweighs everything that could possibly be painful or exhausting. I wake up next to a tiny little girl every day (ok, several times every day and night) that has the cutest little wake up routine of stretching every possible limb and pulling her face into a dozen contortions that are all so adorable I want to munch them up. And then she looks at me and my cup is full as we become each other’s worlds just for now and we draw strength from one another while we grow up, each in our own way, together. ]]> http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dxcomments/my-birth-story http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/my-birth-story?opendocument&comments Five weeks Mon, 24 Aug 2009 19:37:02 +0200 http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/five-weeks Adeleida Bingham http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/five-weeks?opendocument&comments http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/five-weeks
Thoughts at this point:
  • I'm slowly easing myself into feeling a bit more confident that this is actually, finally happening, and trying to let go of all the ghosts that infertility brings to one. It is very hard. I'm trying to get to a point where I can feel ok just falling in love with the thought of being pregnant myself without constantly feeling a guilty tug at all those left behind, still struggling and hurting. This is very important, I think, as at the end of the day, this was always the goal of our journey through infertility: to have a family. We decided against adoption, and donor or surrogate routes were probably not going to fly with us either. Now, I have arrived, at least for the immediate future. So, it is about achieving a balance between remembering and being compassionate, yet not taking away from one's own joy and inhibiting the dreaming and hoping and just wallowing in what the future may bring. I'm getting better at this, I think. I'm falling in love with the idea of being pregnant, I even ventured out and bought a onesie to force myself to get over that big mental block that infertility puts into your life, with regards to exposure to everything and anything to do with babies. It's cute. It is blue and has a train on. Please note that if I have a girl, she will most probably love blue and trains. Who made the blue for boys rule anyway???
  • What do we want??? I think people shy away from this question with a saintly "oh anything as long as it is healthy" (urgh) 'cause there is this impression that if you don't get what you want, you'd be disappointed or not love it as much or whatever other crap. So, we all know that is not the way things play out, we love what we get, so I'm quite bold to announce that: Grant wants a boy, I want twins (any gender, preferably both genders).
  • About the twin thing: at this point, I would be incredibly surprised if we are not expecting twins. My motivations:
    • Of course, as a start, we transferred two good looking blastocysts, which both could have implanted
    • My hCG betas taken over four measurements, every second day, was: 31, 112, 314, 749. It is mostly climbing at quite a bit more than the usual doubling rate. Which may (but also may not) indicate more than one
    • My official 14 days past ovulation hCG beta test was 314 - quite high, which may (or maybe not) indicate more than one
    • My progesterone is sky-high, which could (or not...) indicate that there's more brewing
    • I got heartburn last week already, terrible, horrible heartburn, which seems a bit early as this usually kicks in later, which may (or, sigh, may not, especially at the time I was eating fudge) indicate more than one
    • I'm hungry ALL THE TIME. I'm only five weeks, for crying out loud! What's with the eating??? Although I seem not to be able to eat much at one go - one piece of toast instead of two, a small meal every two hours instead of a big one, I am eating LOTS: I'm like a big cow nibbling the whole day, and I'm talking high calorie stuff: cheese, nuts, avo's, actually I'll eat pretty much anything that I can find (minus the stuff giving me heartburn, though!). Yet, not gaining a single gram. In fact, once last week, I weighed less. Big thumbs up for having more snacks that day...munch munch munch... Usually when I just let go like this, I'd gain weight at a rate of a kilogram every two days or so. Hence... my thoughts that something is burning this all up. It's wonderful, though. I haven't had cheese for so long, and I'm nibbling little blocks of nice old cheddar throughout the day now without any effect. Bliss. My guess is that this won't last, so I will have to curb the eating habits at some point!!! Dang.
    • I'm incredibly tired. I haven't been able to work a full day for the whole of last week and I seem to come home, collapse like a dead person, and go to bed really early just to sleep it out really late in the mornings (minus the three times I now have to get up in the night to wee). I am really, really, really, really tired, most of the day. Abnormally tired. Surely only one little bean can't eat up energy like that!
    • I just... know. I'm not the type that know things - I am amused at people that claim to intuitively feel things or bring any non-scientific claims to events. But this time, I'm different. Which means I'd probably pour some egg on my own face when I'm wrong :) but, it's weird, I just feel like it could be two. Maybe it is just truly what I hope for, embedding itself into my mind.
    • And, having said all that, if I had to objectively look from the outside and judge what I, personally, would be able to cope with best, without driving me dotty and pulling blankets over my head once baba is here, it would be only one. Twins, phew... it's like one has to build an assembly line of some sort at home that deals with the feed, burp, poop, sleep, cry cycle and there just is none of those hours of gazing into a sleepy baby's face and just sitting and rocking in a chair, just learning the crinkles in his or her face and getting to know what exactly this thing is that you are holding. It's just crazy, all the time!

Our first scan is next week Wednesday, which will reveal all. It is sheer torture having to wait this long!!! I'll be corny and say, yeah, at the end of the day, please, all we want is to see that little heartbeat. Just. That. Please.

PS: My mother-in-law is washing her huge doll collection's clothes and bringing it all over, you know, for the baby. I'm terrified.... All in all, the mother-in-law may be driving me dotty before the maybe-twins do, but at least I know she means well so I hope I can just go with the flow and pray that the right words and actions come to me during our interactions in the next nine months and, well, next twenty years really. At least she is so excited and just loving the thought of finally becoming a grandma. I just wonder whether those dolls are, in fact, wearing Voortrekker outfits...laugh... ;)
]]> http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dxcomments/five-weeks http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/five-weeks?opendocument&comments And finally: the good news :) Tue, 18 Aug 2009 06:53:23 +0200 http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/and-finally-the-good-news- Adeleida Bingham http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/and-finally-the-good-news-?opendocument&comments http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/and-finally-the-good-news-
Our official four week beta test came through with an hCG level of 314 which is a most definite affirmation that our first IVF has indeed worked.

Of course, there was no way I could wait that long, so I did some sneak tests earlier last week, two and four days before the official one, which came in at 31 and 114 respectively, which indicates that things are going very well indeed.

We're ... I dunno ... in a bit of a daze I guess, as it is something I've avoided thinking about for so long now because it becomes quite hard to imagine pregnancy and kids around when things are just not happening. And now I have to think about it, and it is almost as if my brain has a block! But I got my book, I'm reading it, I'm already eating funnily (puked everything I ate up on the weekend due to a migraine and now don't feel like any food whatsoever, even chocolate cake is left untouched!) and I have no doubt that I can feel... something down there. Which could still be from all the procedures that happened down there, though, rather than the real something.

We have so many friends being so incredibly happy for us and it is awesome. My mother-in-law is phoning the whole world including CNN to make sure everyone knows, and she is hopping up and down like an energizer bunny (it's her first grandchild). It is incredibly early days, so I keep telling people, hey, stuff happens, you know, at least until six weeks, and then until twelve weeks, and then until 28 weeks, and then we can maybe say, ok, it's sticking. But for now, it is there and we are incredibly grateful. Unbelievably grateful in fact. Knowing how hard things can become and how traumatising this journey have been to many people, we got away with one single IVF (ok, given that we did take four years of disappointment to get there!) and we got our bean. Or beans. The high betas, who knows, maybe we get two.... which would be awesome yet freaky!!!

Now... to find a place where you can get an ultrasound every week in Cape Town... what's with this waiting until the six week? I wanna see the blobs!!!! :) ]]> http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dxcomments/and-finally-the-good-news- http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/and-finally-the-good-news-?opendocument&comments Bye little Nino Sun, 16 Aug 2009 16:38:47 +0200 http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/bye-little-nino Adeleida Bingham http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/bye-little-nino?opendocument&comments http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/bye-little-nino
My siamese cat, the one that features on my logo at the top, died Tuesday. She stopped eating about a month ago and a trip to the vet, and another vet, and a truckload of scans and tests and biopsies later confirmed that she had very advanced liver cancer which may or may not have moved to several other organs already. On top of this, her one lung was collapsed and the other one almost filled with fluid. How does this all happen without us noticing? I honestly don't know. She never had breathing problems and she was active and purring and her old grumpy self. It was only once she stopped eating and rapidly deteriorated to a very, very skinny cat, that we noticed something was wrong.

I syringed fed her for a number of weeks. Last week she started eating by herself again but just before the long weekend I realised that she was starting to loose some of her spark and will to live. She came through the weekend, mostly clutched to me, zipped up in my fleece jacket like a little kangaroo baby. She was still purring, but sadly this is often a way to ease the pain. Around Monday she started losing control of her body functions and we realised it was time.

This was some of the saddest days of my life. The day before and the day after. I still see her little ears moving either forwards (a happy sign) or backwards (not so happy) and me smooching them until they start moving forwards. She was queen of the household. The dogs were petrified of her. I loved her to bits and she loved me back. I got her when she was merely four weeks old and could fit in the palm of my hand. The breeder wanted to get rid of the kittens for some reason as fast as possible, and I took this little thing from its mom, an elegant and graceful chocolate siamese that came around to "approve" me while I was holding little Nino, and its dad, a fierce and wild seal point siamese cat that probably has never been cuddled in its life. And she was the perfect blend of the two. Always graceful, always neat and tidy, yet with a wild tomboy streak which gave her so much character.

She only accepted two animal friends in her life: my other siamese from childhood, Thai-Thai, which passed away many years ago at the ripe old age of eighteen, and our current kitten/teenager cat, Boo. Here are four pictures of how I want to remember her. Two of them with Thai, one of them cuddling on the couch (Nino at the right), one where Thai was giving Nino one of his famous "headlicks" (all animals in the house had to endure the headlick, sometimes for hours on end). One of her with Boo shortly after they made friends, which took the best of two weeks as Nino had to check this kitten out first (Boo passed with flying colours, of course, as she is a darling of note). The last of Nino is in her signature pose - tail neatly curled around, ears forward and head tilted.



I add one more, but this is not the one I want to remember, but it is the last photo of her hence important. It is taken a few days before she passed away. Despite being so frail, she kept climbing this tree, and it was actually a branch that we were going to prune away. Needless to stay, the branch will stay as a memory, that will still have many a cat (and otherwise) sitting in it in the future.



I'll miss you my darling cat. I hope you and Thai are having a nice cuddle and headlick somewhere where there is no more pain and tiredness. My heart was and is truly broken still, but that is the way of pets. In the end, it is your life and not your final few days that mattered. Or so we tell ourselves, to make things easier. I miss you damnit. It was far too soon. I wish you were still around. I wish I could have done something. It was so incredibly hard saying goodbye.

I promise this is the last sad post about death and dying. Tomorrow will bring good tidings to this blog. If you sneak into my Flickr account, you may get a preview, but just remember nothing is confirmed until... gosh when? Four weeks? Six weeks? Twelve weeks? Forty weeks? Ok, we'll settle on four weeks, then, which is tomorrow. Hang in there. ]]> http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dxcomments/bye-little-nino http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/bye-little-nino?opendocument&comments A birthday of mixed feelings Fri, 19 Jun 2009 08:02:25 +0200 http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/a-birthday-of-mixed-feelings Adeleida Bingham http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/a-birthday-of-mixed-feelings?opendocument&comments http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/a-birthday-of-mixed-feelings
Last night four of us "mature students" in the class went out for dinner. I just want to mention at this point that although I am usually a person that just keeps to myself and enjoy my own company tremendously, being surrounded by people and company these last two weeks with no one but one lady knowing that my dad has passed away, has been incredibly good for me. And so was last night. However... what really bites are all the reminders. Like the one guy mentioning that the week before our practical started he was in Hermanus and it was great because there was nobody there as the weather was so miserable and rainy all week. And all I can think of is, yes, how can I forget, the rain every single day in the week my father passed away, and how it came down in buckets the day of his funeral, and all the people standing in the rain outside the church at the end, and the police lights outside the church shining through the mist and.. and... and... And then we order some wine and us two Capetonians at the table spot the Neil Ellis Cabernet Sauv. and we both rave about it, and I am reminded that my dad first introduced me to this magical brand and he called the Neil Ellis white wines a nectar from heaven (which it surely is), and I wanted to order it just because I needed to honour him and have my own silent toast to him with that first glass. And then we talk about what the world will look like in fifty years, where will the Indians and Chinese be in rank, and I am reminded of the dinner my dad invited me to with the Chinese deputy minister of Land Affairs and the incredibly fancy twenty two course meal they prepared for us and how afterwards I heard the staff got sweet & sour pork and rice in the kitchen and how I wish I could have had that rather! But worse was when the one guy suddenly said, hey, remember it's Father's Day this Sunday. And he looked at me with such enthusiasm and there were plans in his eyes of stuff he was going to do and I could just put my head down and admire the pattern in the tablecloth and nod biting back the tears and the words My Dad Died Three Weeks Ago, so there will be no Father's day this year. Or next year. Or ever again. Only a memory and a wish that he was still there and regrets and sadness and more memories.

But still, it was so good being among people because even if they do not know, it helps, it helps talking about other things and just being around other people. When I woke up this morning, I cried so long thinking about all these reminders last night and I think right now the phase of grief I'm going through is just feeling like I was not a good daughter. Which reminds me of when my dad and I saw the movie "Gladiator" together - not because he would enjoy it for its popularity but more because he was an expert on the Roman Empire and a great admirer of Marcus Aurelius, and at one point this great emperor tells his daughter: 'Let us pretend that you are a loving daughter, and I am a good father.' And she answers 'This is a pleasant fiction, is it not?'. And this is the kind of stuff that is just breaking my heart at this point: wondering whether I could have been more loving and more present and more forgiving and more... more... I can't even think what would happen if I had to stumble across a radio station playing The Living Years at this point.

And then, my birthday present: another negative pregnancy blood test this month. I have no idea what the universe's idea of balance is, but it is not turning my way.

So, I have mixed feelings. So many people phoning me and congratulating me and being kind and wonderful. And on the other hand it's been a very tough three weeks. Oh, forgot to mention: on top of all this, my mother-in-law had three epileptic fits brought on by really bad bronchitis brought on by standing in the rain at my father's funeral. She is out of hospital and she (and her cat) has now moved in with us for the foreseeable future, which is going to be good. And I'm phoning my own mom every day. Which is a change from the past. The living years. It's all we have. ]]> http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dxcomments/a-birthday-of-mixed-feelings http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/a-birthday-of-mixed-feelings?opendocument&comments The tao of funerals Sun, 7 Jun 2009 13:56:39 +0200 http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/the-tao-of-funerals Adeleida Bingham http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/the-tao-of-funerals?opendocument&comments http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/the-tao-of-funerals if you listen to this SABC clip you will understand why. I will try and get hold of the whole service on video as it is by far the most precious memory this week brought.

This morning I said goodbye to my house guests, my wonderful aunt and twin cousins, and flew to Joh'burg where I rented a car and drove down to Potchefstroom, where I will do two weeks of Physiology practicals. My one tyre burst halfway, but in minutes a wonderful gentleman and his wife stopped and helped me change it. And now I'm here. When the plane started moving this morning, I finally found my grief surfacing and I have cried, properly, for the first time since Monday's tears of shock, and it's been like that the whole day really. I am so thankful for all the closure given to me this week as these tears can now only be for the loss and the missing and the wish that I had more time, but knowing that there is much peace to be found in that his life work was done, and always so with dignity and honesty and integrity. And in between all the work he did, he left so many memories with so many people with his enormous knowledge which he always shared in the most memorable conversations and debates, and his wonderful stories which he could tell with so much sharp wit and a wonderful engaging manner and his true care and unwavering determination in his task to help right the wrongs of the past by reaching out to those that needed it most.

And this is all I am going to say for a while about my dad.

I can not think of a more appropriate way to spend the next two weeks, engaged in learning and broadening my knowledge, as that was something he was just always doing and he would have loved to have heard about it. He would have probably spent half an hour talking about how Potchefstroom was founded and the stories behind the town. I think as time goes by, this is what I will miss the most: knowing I can call him up and ask him about anything under the sun, and he would probably know about it, in detail, and be able to make an interesting conversation about it. And see, there I go again. As I said, I have much to say about him.

But for now, I'll blog about the stuff we are dissecting in class, whenever I have a moment. It is going to be really cool. ]]> http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dxcomments/the-tao-of-funerals http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/the-tao-of-funerals?opendocument&comments My dad passed away Mon, 1 Jun 2009 20:02:01 +0200 http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/my-dad-passed-away the tao of fish Adeleida Bingham http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/my-dad-passed-away?opendocument&comments http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/my-dad-passed-away
I am thankful that he did not suffer. I am thankful that I got there in time to wrap him in a blanket with my own hands, touch his hair, cry with my head on his chest and say goodbye. I am thankful of what he left behind here, a valuable life, his hand visible in so many things I appreciate around me and in me.

The funeral is at Die Groote Kerk in town (between Parliament and Adderley street), 14h00 on Friday. I am organising everything. It helps. It is my way of grieving. I can't write much more right now as I think my heart is broken, but I'm not going to check right now. The right time will come. There is much to say. But not tonight.

But what I will say, now, is that this morning when the call came through and I sat on the floor at work crying, another text came through to announce the birth of my friend C's baby girl. This is what I know, at this point: my dad passed away, and my friend's baby was born. And perhaps that is all I need to know, right now.

Bye dad. That was far too soon. ]]> http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dxcomments/my-dad-passed-away http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/my-dad-passed-away?opendocument&comments Google earth link to our farm Sun, 24 May 2009 09:23:08 +0200 http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/google-earth-link-to-our-farm Adeleida Bingham http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/google-earth-link-to-our-farm?opendocument&comments http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/google-earth-link-to-our-farm GoogleEarthLink.kmz.

Click for a picture to show the road:


And here... is the discovery we made last weekend. Our (uninstalled) new septic tank blew over in the wind and when they moved it to reposition it in place, they found this guy. Yes. It was six feet. Sorry dude.

]]> http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dxcomments/google-earth-link-to-our-farm http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/google-earth-link-to-our-farm?opendocument&comments Pics from the farm! Tue, 5 May 2009 20:40:14 +0200 http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/pics-from-the-farm Adeleida Bingham http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/pics-from-the-farm?opendocument&comments http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/pics-from-the-farm


And finally: Boys and their toys... Grant put up another solar panel so he had to remount everything. He mentioned that his new mount is "extendible". Sigh.

]]> http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dxcomments/pics-from-the-farm http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/pics-from-the-farm?opendocument&comments So Close bookshower: Uhm, is this where the party is at? Sat, 2 May 2009 19:49:41 +0200 http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/so-close-bookshower-uhm-is-this-where-the-party-is-at Adeleida Bingham http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/so-close-bookshower-uhm-is-this-where-the-party-is-at?opendocument&comments http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/so-close-bookshower-uhm-is-this-where-the-party-is-at Melissa, the Stirrup-Queen, I'm part of a circle of blogs today that's giving Tertia a bookshower celebrating the launch of her incredibly thought provoking, informative, moving and hopeful book, So Close on Amazon. This book tells of her journey dealing with infertility from day one through many years of treatments, to where she finally has two beautiful kids.

Tertia is a fab and beautiful IBM-er/author/blogger/mom/infertile/fertile/Capetonian/entrepreneur and various other things of personhood, never to be boxed, never to be finally defined as around every corner, she will bring something new along to enrich the world. You can read all about her on her blog, especially about the amazing business she started, Nurture, where she is still touching the lives of infertiles every day.

The idea of this party is to take a suggested question/concept from the book and run with it. I'm choosing the one regarding the title for the book and where it comes from: on page 97 she explains that she can't give up because she's so close. Yes, I get that. Having her book on my shelf touched me in three different ways so far, each one of them bringing me closer to my own child, I hope:

I first bought the book as I knew Tertia from work and frankly, I just admire anyone that actually does it: write a book. Not just that, a book that people were saying actually read brilliantly. That's huge - the whole writing a book thing. We all wanna do it, so few actually does, and she did, so I had to get it. It was actually not really the infertility topic that was the big interest at the time. I mean, yes, ok, we were not having kids right on schedule, but I did not really believe we'd ever end up labelling ourselves as infertile and, you know, visiting fancy specialists and all that. It was all going to fall into place. Just, take it easy, give it time, perhaps get some of this or that (you know, everyone has something that has worked for someone, and you MUST try that, and yes, we did, save your breath), measure the temperature, check the mucus, have another trip to the gynae, she says no it's all fine, perhaps pop some of these pills see what happens... etc. etc. I even lend the book to a friend of mine who was doing an IVF thinking, hey, she probably needs it more than me. Because, you know, I'm fine. It's just bad timing. It is funny how I started off my journey believing that every month I was getting a little bit closer, and then finally realised that what was really happening was that every month, I was moving a little bit further away. PCOS, endometriosis the septum in my uterus combined with poor morphology: none of those things get better by themselves. ESPECIALLY if undiagnosed. And especially if you're approaching 35.

When I finally realised that we were going nowhere fast, I took the book off the shelf, dusted it, and read it again. You see, it then became a guide to me. I wanted to start moving forwards. These are the steps to follow so that I can get closer, see, it's all in the book. So I went to see two specialists, I started the treatments, I'm midway in them. It is all around me, a bit like an ocean. There are many things that keep me afloat: a wonderful supporting husband that is a rock of stability and strength, forums with online friends that really care and know what you're on about. But what makes you bite on your teeth and makes you go to the next appointment, and the next, and the next, allowing the most invasive and hormone disrupting treatments again and again, is knowledge. Knowing what is wrong, knowing what could make it right or at least fool it, knowing what other options there are, just... knowing. We need to know what is going on and what will happen if we start walking the road of infertility treatments. It is scary, it is unknown, it is intimate and it is also, unfortunately, a bit of a stigma. Weird, that last one, never understood it, but then again, really couldn't care much, never been one for the artificial structures of norm that society invents. So, this book, this book is like a little infertility bible, much more valuable than any medical text. This is a real person's account of what it felt like popping Clomid. And having her husband put a needle into her drunken butt at a wedding because it had to be done, at that specific moment. How it feels when you finally get good news. How you rise when hope grows inside you, how you fall when it is ripped out once again at a scan showing no heartbeat. And how you break when a child so small that it can fit on two palms leaves forever after only ten precious but fragile days, and yet how that child also not leaves completely, but lives on in her heart, to this day. And how an immensely human, driven and determined spirit keeps strong: how it rises again and goes on, one more time, to cross that final bridge to motherhood.

So, her book, that first started as an interest and a support to a friend in the IT business, then moved to second gear as a source of knowledge, reference and real-life telling is now, thirdly, a hope to me as well as a promise that, whatever is thrown at me, I will be strong and get up, and go on. It is something which tells me that what I'm doing, right now, is allowing me to move in the right direction. Seeing her book is my comfort and assurance: all the time, every day, I am getting just a bit closer. Closer to sitting in a crummy mall toilet next to the pharmacy and, be still my racing heart, finally seeing that second line on a pregnancy test; closer to having cold gel popped onto my belly for a sonar which will not check whether my ovaries are misbehaving (again), but this time to see if we can spot that faint miracle of a heartbeat, grown from a single cell in ways we like to tell ourselves we know how it works but still don't really understand; closer to breaking out some walls in our house to make a nursery and a space, with a little bath and a nappy changing counter and a cupboard full of tiny little vests and booties and baby things, that smell of soft shampoo and powder and pink skin that you just want to rub all over your nose and eyes and mouth and drink in; closer to hearing that first cry and having a wet little life put on me in some theatre with dad and I crying and touching and holding; closer to a Christmas where I'll bother to take the tree out again and make decorations and festivities and thanksgiving, because what is the meaning of all that without kids' laughter to fill the air;  closer, closer, closer... sometimes I sneak into the pregnancy forums on the web because it feels like I can almost touch it. It is there, just... right here front of me, like the air I breathe.

So Close. It's in most book stores in South Africa but also now on Amazon. I would like to thank you, Tertia, for writing it all down. It just... helped more than I can ever say. It is helping, still. And thank you for the website and forum you started with Maritza. And for the continued support you give, for never really moving to the "other" side once you got your babes, even with little Max now: you still care and feel, as deeply as you ever did, for us bunch of barren sad sods, slapping our arms like coke whores (ok, butts and bellies) for our next shot of fertility meds, for being there when we are licking our wounds after yet another failed cycle. At the end of our lives, I think we look back wondering what we left behind, and I hope that you will see then that this book is but one of the pay-it-forward things that really added to many peoples' lives and brought a lot of insight and hope where it is so desperately needed.

Ok, here's the fun party stuff: a question for YOU to answer in the comments section:




If you ever had the chance to write a book, fact or fiction, what would it be about?





Thank you. Now let's party. Where's the booze and cake? ]]> http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dxcomments/so-close-bookshower-uhm-is-this-where-the-party-is-at http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/so-close-bookshower-uhm-is-this-where-the-party-is-at?opendocument&comments Let me tell you about my surgery... Sat, 2 May 2009 11:24:11 +0200 http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/let-me-tell-you-about-my-surgery... Adeleida Bingham http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/let-me-tell-you-about-my-surgery...?opendocument&comments http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/let-me-tell-you-about-my-surgery...
I had a laparoscopy/hysteroscopy on Tuesday which went exceptionally well.

A laparoscopy is a so-called "keyhole" procedure, where they make three tiny little slits in you - under your navel and just next to your hipbones - and put a light & camera down there and Check You Out. Very cool.

The hysteroscopy is, uhm, something else. Thank goodness they put you all under, that's all I'm saying. I mentioned on Facebook (sigh, yes, I decided to go there again) that my throat was really sore after the operation and yes, duly, got the comments I deserved about them maybe doing it wrong. Which was very funny.

Usually the doctor do the laparoscopy and checks for problems and if they find problems, they proceed with a hysteroscopy to fix the problems. In my case, they found, as suspected, endometriosis, something about 10% of all women have. It was only at stage 2, which is "mild" and means they could remove it all and it should only grow back in two to five years. Yay, that's all I need.

Also, as I mentioned in a previous post, I was worried that there is a septum in my uterus which could prevent implantation of an embryo (sorry for all the medical drivel) and indeed, they did find a small one and got rid of it. I don't know the exact details but I will get all that in a follow-up in a week or two.

Both these go a long way towards adding to our list of fertility probs, but at least in this case, it meant finding answers and fixes. Our immediate plan forward is to do an IVF in July, after all my Unisa* examinations and practicals have passed.

Having an operation is hectic, though! Even with a small procedure like this, it all just piles up: recovering from a general anaesthetic is super crap, my throat hurt for days due to the tube they shove down there, you have pain, you are black and blue all over, even my hand was blue from the drip! And then you get that real downer mood a day or two afterwards - what's with that? I always get that. It's like a post-op blues. Anyway, feeling a lot better now, just waiting for the little keyholes to heal and I'll be better than new.

*  Unisa exams/practicals: oh boy, that's another mountain to climb. However, even though I can't remember me ever studying and working as hard as I am currently doing, I'm enjoying it thoroughly. But it's a lot of work. I did sixteen assignments in two months - finished the last one last night and promptly drank out a bottle of red wine to celebrate (Grant was not here**... the whole bottle was MINE)! It was Organic Chemistry which requires just the most enormous load of studying AND comprehendus brightus mentus non-idiotus that I have ever experienced in my life. I perpetually just feel like a big moron with this subject. Check out this diagram I did for the one question - freaky & awesome huh? I feel like a proud professor just looking at it!!! (even though it's probably wrong...)



Please feel free to correct it if you are, indeed, a genius, 'cause this thing took me a WEEK to figure out, and I still don't know if it is right...

** Grant is on the farm supervising builders and buying supplies. We are completing the second cottage and both cottages' bathrooms. Should be done in about eight weeks. YAY, really excited about it!!! My rough idea of what it will look like (you got to appreciate the Afrikaans plan - nobody speaks English in Swellendam, especially not builders):


]]> http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dxcomments/let-me-tell-you-about-my-surgery... http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/let-me-tell-you-about-my-surgery...?opendocument&comments On getting it right and getting it wrong Fri, 24 Apr 2009 01:45:07 +0200 http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/on-getting-it-right-and-getting-it-wrong Adeleida Bingham http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/on-getting-it-right-and-getting-it-wrong?opendocument&comments http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/on-getting-it-right-and-getting-it-wrong
I am SO GLAD I gave the ID a vote too. Patricia has been the most gracious, peaceful and humble participant of all of them and I am proud to support her and the one seat that she needs in parliament as that is all she needs to make that lioness roar of hers that keep everyone on the straight and narrow heard. Uhm, and I think she may only get that one seat as the smaller parties are suffering this time round. With COPE and the DA performing really well AND the ANC keeping most of its voter base, someone had to take a knock. Donk. Donk donk. Can you hear them dropping?

And did I get my predictions wrong though. I hoped for a whipping of the ANC but they are strong as always. And you know what, that is fine. It just underlines that when we are at the poll, we are all equal, and if this is what two thirds of the country wants, well, then that is what we'll see through the next five years. And if things go south, there is always stuff to do to make things better, we don't have to wait for the politicians to do it, now, do we. It's just crap when they're the ones making things worse, though. And it still hurts when they take that big bite out of your pay cheque and you see it ending up in a golden handshake at a state-owned agency or a corrupt government contract instead of many of the promises that makes people actually vote for them. Anyhoo. I'm moving on here. Look. I am. Really.

See. Moved on already. ]]> http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dxcomments/on-getting-it-right-and-getting-it-wrong http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/on-getting-it-right-and-getting-it-wrong?opendocument&comments Where the trees COPE (just) and I wonder if I should Tue, 21 Apr 2009 07:58:49 +0200 http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/where-the-trees-cope-just-and-i-wonder-if-i-should Adeleida Bingham http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/where-the-trees-cope-just-and-i-wonder-if-i-should?opendocument&comments http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/where-the-trees-cope-just-and-i-wonder-if-i-should
Speaking of a tough climate needing some tough decisions:

Tomorrow is voting day. The fourth democratic election of South Africa. The ANC is so deep in the crap hole, it is beyond even discussing them as a possible vote. Not a chance, china. With regards to power and loyalty in voters and confidence in their ability to get away with pretty much anything they are in par with the apartheid government. People are voting for the ANC for the same reasons people voted for the National party in the eighties. (Because they're idiots). Ok, and also blind loyalty, a fear of the White Gevaar, an inability to see what is really happening. I could go on. What gets me is that a huge percentage (just under 50%) of Zuma supporters believe the man is guilty of corruption, yet still votes for him. That is the type of classy leadership he inspires. And that is the type of society and moral compass he will craft. It's very demoralising and frustrating, as the ANC has put in place so much of their following into strategic alliances that wherever one seeks justice, it is just buried and not spoken of again. It really is like the old Nats. They did exactly the same thing. YOU ARE VOTING FOR THE NATIONAL PARTY if you are voting ANC. That's all I'm saying. But perhaps that is what you want to do. After all, the National Party had lots of benefits for its followers, didn't it. We are still paying for those. Just remember the consequences will stain your hand like the ink at tomorrow's voting station.

Having said that, it never worked for me to try and get my vote by showing that you are better than another party. How pathetic is that? "Don't vote for the ANC, vote for us: We are not as crap! And we will show you how crap they are for as long as you put us in power, every day! So that you can feel better not voting for the less crap party." Don't get me wrong: I love Helen Zille. She's our Obama. She has the same intelligence, integrity, hard working ethic, humility, humanity, can-do attitude and moral compass that makes me admire Obama as one of the greatest leaders ever. She is all that, also. We have an Obama in Hellen Zille. However, what made me despise her predecessor Tony Leon was his closet racism and obsession with putting down the opposition at every corner. His whole life revolved around that. When he went, I rejoiced and Ms Zille was everything he was not, and much much more. However, it seems the last few months the ANC has just been throwing out saucy titbits of scandal which just became too much of a temptation to pass on, and the strategy of the DA has turned from showing how they can fix the dire problems in the country to them showing how they will be able to police the ANC. I don't want to know that you want to stop Zuma. It's sensationalist and cheap. And it brings back very hard memories of a country divided. I want to know how you are going to ensure a fair judiciary. I want to know what you are going to do to ensure what happened with the NPA decision will be overturned and not happen again. Yes, you are doing that, but I want you to put THAT on your posters. Positive messages of how you are going to make things right. Not some loud Tony Leon style "the ANC is evil" campaign. They are not all evil. They have a weak yet popular leader who may harm this country a lot in the future. But he is not the whole of the ANC. There are good people there, too. We can't stop him from becoming the leader. You can't stop him. Dudes: let me repeat: you can't stop him, it's on the table, he will be the next president. What we can do is make sure he walks the straight and narrow while he is at it. Tell me about that on your billboards. Tell me that the justice system is safe from political interference. That is all I need to know to start sleeping again at night.

Then there's COPE. Who does all of the above that I'm asking for. AND they tackle the Zuma trial issues up front, but without mud slinging and "vote for me and against the ANC" type talk. They just... say what they're gonna do. And that, yes, it is wrong what Zuma and the NPA did, but they are going to fight it. Without sensation, without loud and angry talk: they are inclusive, they are aware and sensitive of the complexities of society and emotions around these issues. And they respect their ex-ANC comrades, those that are worthy of it. And you know what, what they would like to do is not that much different from what every party wants to do: better education, housing, health, safety. This stuff is pretty much common ground. The difference is that if you are forever policing one another and fighting about what goes down, you don't get the houses build. You don't get the hospitals clean. And you are so busy trying to police politicians that you don't keep my family and house safe. I like that they don't slam the ANC. There are a few very rotten apples making the ANC stink quite badly right now, but in essence, this is still the party that brought a very expensive, paid in blood democracy to us. Treat them with respect in your campaign, but make sure YOUR side is clean and that you can put your energy to use in positive ways, if you get the chance.

So, I'm one of those that haven't made up their minds yet. The whole Stop Zuma campaign thing really got up my nose. As much as I intensely dislike the man and think he is a populist weakling who didn't have the balls to do his day in court to proof whatever it was that he claims was true, I don't think an anti-ANC campaign does good for the very fragile racial tensions that still exist in this country. In my opinion, the DA should have done everything in their power to not put that divide forward and rather just relied on their own strengths in policy and good governance ability to get their votes. It is, unfortunately, now back to its Tony Leon status of a middle-class and upwards party, rather than a strong democratic party that you can proudly vote for without a sense of social or racial prejudice.

And anyway, have you ever considered how much balls it took to split the ANC? You can say what you want, but Lekota has balls of steel. He did what nobody dared to do for decades, but was necessary. We need to move on to a new democracy, where the best man wins the election. (And, that is, Helen Zille, who has a pair of steel ones also, but like Zuma does not make the ANC, thank goodness, Helen also does not make the DA, unfortunately).

Whichever way, I hope there is a massive swing to the opposition parties this election to wake up the ANC and send a loud message that it is NOT ON what has been happening. There is no doubt that I will vote DA for the provincial election tomorrow as I want Helen to be our premier, but with regards to the national vote, I am on the fence.

Not like my one measly vote would make a difference... but still :) ]]> http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dxcomments/where-the-trees-cope-just-and-i-wonder-if-i-should http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/where-the-trees-cope-just-and-i-wonder-if-i-should?opendocument&comments Very good news for Alexander McCall Smith lovers Thu, 9 Apr 2009 21:28:32 +0200 http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/very-good-news-for-alexander-mccall-smith-lovers Adeleida Bingham http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/very-good-news-for-alexander-mccall-smith-lovers?opendocument&comments http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/very-good-news-for-alexander-mccall-smith-lovers BBC/HBO production of the No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency series based on the beautiful books written by a much beloved author, Alexander McCall Smith. Shot in Botswana with a cast of great actors absolutely capturing the incredibly quaint and authentic characters he created comes a production that does not disappoint. It is one of those series where the readers and lovers of the original books would rejoice in it being brought to life with the same charm and simplicity, yet deep, almost tactile, sensitivity of African life, emotions, lifestyle, philosophy and warmth.

So, readers and lovers of McCall Smith, rest assure: the BBC/HBO did well and I can not wait to see the whole series being appreciated back home here, also. The DVD's are coming out in October so if all else fails, we can get our grubby paws on it that way.

If you are curious, you can sneak your own previews on YouTube by clicking here.

PS: Watching the scenery of urban yet still rural Botswana, I yearn for its simple, uncomplicated and void-of-want-it-all lifestyle. Just... an office with chickens on the veranda and at night a simple place to put down one's head. There is something healing about that.

PSS: Ok, but... I will need bandwidth. Just, that. For the rest, I'm ok. ]]> http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dxcomments/very-good-news-for-alexander-mccall-smith-lovers http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/very-good-news-for-alexander-mccall-smith-lovers?opendocument&comments Another one bites the dust Wed, 8 Apr 2009 17:50:38 +0200 http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/04082009055037PMARTLL7.htm infertility Adeleida Bingham http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/04082009055037PMARTLL7.htm?opendocument&comments http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/04082009055037PMARTLL7.htm early beta revealed that we are yet again not expecting anything apart from heartache and more medical bills for now.

Arthur, our fluffy love dragon dog, came and flopped himself next to my chair whilest I was having once again my scheduled little cry of disappointment as if to say that he'd gladly take the job, he'd not even need nappy changes.

On another note, we'll be going to our little farm this weekend, after a long break of about two months. Apparently our fruit trees are dying as something went wrong with the irrigation. I can't believe it!!! I worked my ass off getting those trees in there and irrigated! It will be a massive disappointment, I honestly hope they are still viable for rescue. Otherwise I'm just going to wait until spring before I plant new ones, but new ones I will defintely plant. And this time, cherry, avo and mulberry trees will be thrown into the mix!

So, no giving up this side. Whether trees or nappies. ]]> http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dxcomments/04082009055037PMARTLL7.htm http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/04082009055037PMARTLL7.htm?opendocument&comments Halfway point: taking stock Sun, 29 Mar 2009 09:20:12 +0200 http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/halfway-point-taking-stock Adeleida Bingham http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/halfway-point-taking-stock?opendocument&comments http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/halfway-point-taking-stock
I'm currently halfway through my first fertility procedure, a so-called IUI or intrauterine insemination. It pretty much boils down to the following steps (every person is different, this was just my own course, the last two, three weeks):
  • Take stuff (Clomid) to make sure ovaries produce multiple follicles, more than the usual one, each of them containing a potential egg
  • Take more stuff (Gonal-f) to kick the follicles' asses as they're too small
  • Find out only one actually listened, but at least it is one, not none, and it is nice and big enough to produce a nice egg
  • Make near midnight trips to the local hospital to get an injection which will make the follicle ovulate its egg within 24 hours
  • (Still in the future:) Inseminate 36 hours later

Tomorrow Grant has to go to concert and perform his piece in a cup. The real swimmers are then separated from the lame-asses and duds in a process called "spinning" - a lab procedure that does all kinds of things to the poor guys like whirling them around and making them swim upwards, almost like a mini survivor reality show, and only the best ones, let's call them Team Survivor, are scooped up for the Final Episode.

The final episode being some quality time on a bed under romantic fluorescent lights with me, my fertility specialist and a tube up my privates which sends Team Survivor on their final quest: Find The Egg, Winner Gets To Live. We don't really care exactly who the winner is, but we try not to tell them that. Keeps them swimming. (It is very similar to working in a corporate environment, Dilbert-style, actually.)

So this will all happen tomorrow. After that, we will wait for two weeks where we will test whether we had a winner and, indeed, find ourselves pregnant.

Now even if there was a winner, there is also the spin-off series which runs a whole season of nine months, tracking the winner on his new life with secret cameras and updates, recording the good times, the bad times, the turmoil, the make-up... for all the hard-core fans like myself. This series may get cancelled suddenly, also, if the winner, say, disappears. Which is slowly what this post is trying to be about, by the way. I think I have disappearance anxiety.

Where am I in all of this. Well, firstly, excitement is not huge right now. The statistics for IUI success with only one egg is a thundering 8%. Probably a bit less than that for me as I'm, eh, duh, a bit older than the mean. We went into this thinking we know our problems, which is slightly low morphology (which, funnily enough, is actually in our case a bit higher than the average) but with my spectacular performance of taking two batches of different medication and still only producing one follicle (average is 3-4 on just one batch of meds), obviously there are more problems which we don't know about.

Then, there is something else that has also been putting a massive weight on my mind. I went for a routine scan called an HSG before we started this IUI and it showed that I have a bicornuate uterus. Ok, fine, whatever, apparently it's not a problem. Only, it actually may be.

A bicornuate uterus is one of many uterine anomalies. It has a heart-shape (sometimes, in more severe cases, a bunny ears shape) as opposed to an upside down pear shape. However, one can not really diagnose this from an HSG, as there is something else called a septate uterus that looks exactly the same, but is something completely different. Proper diagnosis can only be made through things like an MRI, laparoscopic procedure, 3D ultrasound etc.

The differences between the two, bicornuate or septate, are major ones. The risks are not for the faint-hearted. Herewith, in layman's lingo (but, standard disclaimer applies, ask your doctor, ok?) a brief comparison. The pics are from my own scan.

Bicornuate uterus Septate uterus
The uterus is actually shaped like a heart The uterus is shaped normally but has something filling up the space at the top called a septum.
Typically not operated on and "fixed", just left as is Operated on to remove septum
Problems during pregnancy typically lack of space and pressure on the cervix, leading to either second trimester miscarriage or early delivery in some cases (65%, but stats not confirmed) Problems during pregnancy typically lack of proper implantation and sufficient blood supply if the embryo implants on the septum, leading to very early miscarriage in the vast majority of cases (90%, but stats not confirmed)
Miscarriage and early delivery problems can be prevented by considering the pregnancy high risk and monitoring often, putting in preventative measures Nothing can really be done if the scenario above plays out. Best is to hope that it either implants elsewhere on the uterus or that somehow, it does get enough blood if implanted at the septum, in which case all the risks on the left under "bicornuate uterus" also apply.
Bottom line:
if you have this, make sure you have a jacked up gynaecologist who knows how to monitor and manage your pregnancy, and you must also start managing your own expectations 		Bottom line:
If you have this, get it fixed


Added: Some further information is available here and here. If you ever have this diagnosis, the place to go for support is here. Make sure you get another opinion if no further procedures are done to ensure an accurate diagnosis other than the HSG - maybe you don't need it, but why take chances. To wait for a miscarriage (or two, or three, or more) to happen first to see if it is a problem is not a reason to not pursue diagnosis.

So, here we are. There are a couple of variables in my scenarios for the future. Firstly, despite the marvellous <8% chance I have, I could actually be pregnant and have to face all the possible scenarios above. So, it will be good yet quite crap at the same time with various unknowns that could play out to into various frightening scenarios. Or not. I hate unknowns. Just the fact that I'm not sure exactly what I'm dealing with, scares me the most.

Alternatively, I could not be pregnant, in fact, probably most likely am not, in which case it is bad but at least I will have the chance to first find out exactly what uterine abnormality I have, and take appropriate action and be properly prepared.

Either case, I'm overwhelmingly more and more looking at not being pregnant very much in about eight weeks time and all that may vary is how soon I know, and the potential heartbreak, which starts at feeling rather crap about the financial loss (this IUI was about R5,000 at this point) and being pissed off at it not working; to facing potentially a lot of trauma.

Which brings me to the part where things start looking up, just when you (well, I) thought it impossible.

I have, indeed, found a fabulous gynaecologist this week. I told her all of this. If I am ever pregnant, I will only see her from the second trimester as the fertility specialist will monitor me for the first phase, but that's ok: what I needed to get me through these following weeks she said to me. She knew all the risks and acknowledged the fears I have. She never played down any of the risks but normalised them, diffused them of the current turmoil of emotions and just balanced them into a bigger picture, which pretty much says that all of us face the potential of early loss in pregnancy. It just happens. In fact, it happens really often, regardless of whether you worked hard or not at all at achieving it. It's just the way it is, and until we are there, at that point, we can't deal with it in advance. We can only deal with what we have now, today. And what we have, now, today, is one follicle with an egg, about to be thrown into the big wide world and meet up with Team Survival, having a little chance but still a chance, at life.

So, there it is. Where I'm at, right now. Halfway point to the next big milestone, which is in two weeks' time when we test for a potential pregnancy.

I'm sorry, this is all potentially too much information, but I hope it helps keep everyone's questions answered with where we're at in the process, in case anyone was wondering!

PS: I am not going to try and wait out the usual 12 weeks before I tell anyone if I am pregnant, either, so I will update you all when I do know what the outcome is. I think in the light of everything, everyone that is reading this will realise that a potential positive test may not be a lasting one, and I'm not planning to hide heartache if it does happen, so there is really no sense in trying to do the traditional thing. Never been much for traditional, society rules anyway! ]]> http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dxcomments/halfway-point-taking-stock http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/halfway-point-taking-stock?opendocument&comments Ovulation day in the life of an infertile Sun, 1 Mar 2009 13:27:54 +0200 http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/03012009012753PMARTFFY.htm Adeleida Bingham http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/03012009012753PMARTFFY.htm?opendocument&comments http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/03012009012753PMARTFFY.htm Wake up with a start from an I'm-peeing-a-waterfall dream, realising you forgot to set your alarm the previous night.
Fall out of bed and to the loo, just in time, and then realise that heartrate is now up so no use measuring that basal temperature, which is a pain as ovulation is due this week and if you don't measure it every freaking day, exactly the same time without moving as much as an eyelid after you wake up, your measurement is screwed anyway.
Measure it, in any case, wiping the thermometer quickly on pajama sleeve and recording the now mostly useless measurement in pencil on the side of your bedside cupboard 'cause your neat little printed chart is long gone missing.
07:31
Ok, back to the loo, to check the cervical mucus... hmmm, a bit to the left, ok got some there. Put it between thumb and index fingers and puuuuullll it apart, checking whether it a) is dry and sticky b) is white and creamy c) is stretchy and clear (YAY!!!) or d) wonder whether you should take a picture and post it on the forum 'cause, dude, it looks weeeird and what's with that colour? Your luck is in.  In fact with a bit of imagination it may even be good for an egg white omelette. You wonder whether you should google the protein level of mucus. Ok, eeew, gross.
08:59
You make it just in time for work and skip breakfast to get to that first meeting. There's muffins. You're infertility is of the type "spike your blood sugar and you're screwed, lady" variety so you really, really try not to have one. Then you finally have one because otherwise everyone starts asking questions (are you on diet? You're not FAT? Why? Surely a muffin won't hurt. Ag blablablabla just not worth going there. Muffin tastes GREAT).
Then you start wondering how much this is going to mess your blood sugar around and whether another cyst is being born as you feel the insulin releasing in merciful bliss of cursed ecstasy. You run back to your desk and google "does muffin cause infertility". According to at least three websites, it is a key suspect. According to at least one of them, running after a muffin may cause unspeakable and permanent damage. Frack.
10:30
Remember to have daily vitamins: folic acid, skelegrow, omega 3, omega 6, omega 12, omega 99, omega Just In Case Another One, chromium and, as you may be missing something, a really, really expensive multivit that's the size of a hotel soap bar and taste remarkably similar. You google "too many vitamins could make you infertile". Horror results. You throw them all in the bin, save the folic acid. You read four more websites and out they all come again. Vitamins are good, vitamins are good, you chant, holding your beloved bottle of Omegas close.
12:00
Hide ovulation stick in sleeve while walking to bathroom wondering what on earth you will have to come up with if it ever has to fall out on while you are passing your colleagues. Pee on stick. Thing doesn't work. Get another stick. Have cup of decaf coffee and wait. Decaf coffee is NOT by Swiss method but full of lots of other crap which you make a mental note of to google as soon as you are back at your desk. Ok, another pee. Frack it's positive! Find immense meaning and deep satisfaction in actually seeing two lines on a stick.
Send SMS to husband: "ok it's THAT time, be home early, cancel gym/squash/meeting/life". Feel crap about sms. You google "how to put the spark back into duty sex".
13:00
Lunch break: You have for lunch what you SHOULD have had for breakfast: low fat, high fibre, eternal GL oats, with no sugar and fat-free milk. Also known as Bugaflakes. Your spirit soars with every spoonful.
13:30
You browse the infertility forum and congratulate the 0.01% of members achieving BFP's and give a supportive virtual hug and saying-sorry-doesn't-really-cut-it to the rest of the sorry asses like yourself.
Go for emergency bikini/leg/underarm wax downstairs in an attempt to curb the guilt of ordering sex via phone sms.
15:00
Find out that at least seven websites record scientific study of decaf coffee causing more miscarriages than normal coffee. But that women who smoke have better chances of conceiving than those who don't, if they drink coffee. Consider taking up smoking. Crack up at own joke. Curse the decaf. Switch to Rooibos. For at least the next cup anyway.
16:00
Go home early, husband is late. Phone. Voicemail. Curse. Have shower. Put on perfume. Avoid the mirror. Sigh... freakin' muffin.
18:30
Husband pitches. Was stuck in traffic. It's hot, everyone's tired & stressed and no one is in the mood. Do the nasty anyway. Wonder how long until you have to discuss considering Batman/Catwoman roleplay. Decide this is probably not the time. Dogs sit and stare, giving feedback on performance and asking why this has to be done during walkies time.
Yay, done. Lie on your back with your legs crossed in the air, pillow under bum for as long as you can.
20:00
Still on back. Google "lie on your back with your legs crossed in the air good for conception" and at least two studies confirmed that it may actually prevent conception. Get rid of pillow. Make weird pelvic movements for two minutes to jiggle stuff into the right spots. Now there's a wet spot.
22:00
Finally decide that it is probably safe to shower and wee.
Go to sleep. Forget to set alarm. Forget to sterilise basal thermometer and put next to bed. Last thoughts: thank goodness you only have to do today again in four weeks. Feel a bit sad that you really honestly don't believe it made any difference but you still do this, every month. Look forward to science intervention planned for next month (we're doing an AI). Make mental note to sure blog about THAT...zzzz ]]> http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dxcomments/03012009012753PMARTFFY.htm http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/03012009012753PMARTFFY.htm?opendocument&comments South African author an overnight best-seller on Amazon Fri, 20 Feb 2009 22:54:22 +0200 http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/south-african-author-an-overnight-best-seller-on-amazon Adeleida Bingham http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/south-african-author-an-overnight-best-seller-on-amazon?opendocument&comments http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/south-african-author-an-overnight-best-seller-on-amazon Tertia who finally got an amazing publicist to help her to self-publish her book, So Close, on internationally available markets, most importantly on Amazon. And last time I checked it was positively glowing on Amazon sales ranking position #1,450. And it is ranking #2 in Motherhood, #2 in Fertility and, uhm, slightly amusingly, #3 in Men's Health book sales.

I don't think any other South African writer has ever come close to that type of overnight success. Or has ever carefully imagined coming close to that type of overwhelming expression of reader love even while smoking popular South African home-grown plants.

UPDATE: Hah, I apologise. There is JRR Tolkien. Still not South African but British, however he was born here. And I think that's as close as we're going to get.

What leaves me speechless is that it took so many years to get to this point and in the end she had to self-publish. I hope there are a lot of South African publishers kicking themselves really, really hard in the backsides! And international ones!

Now go and buy that book! Buy! Buy! Buy! ]]> http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dxcomments/south-african-author-an-overnight-best-seller-on-amazon http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/south-african-author-an-overnight-best-seller-on-amazon?opendocument&comments No, I did not die in the storm* Tue, 17 Feb 2009 21:00:45 +0200 http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/no-i-did-not-die-in-the-storm the tao of fish Adeleida Bingham http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/no-i-did-not-die-in-the-storm?opendocument&comments http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/no-i-did-not-die-in-the-storm
The reasons for taking a break from blogging and, now, starting again, are more or less the same:

I'm suppose to study. A lot.
I'm doing a B.Sc. part-time (Physiology, Chemistry, you know, the usual subjects/spects) and I have very, very little spare time, especially since I now also have to make a lot of time to procrastinate. So, no time to blog yet, has there ever been a better time to blog if the other option is trying to explore the difference between Gauss-Jordan elimination and, eh, the other one, duh-something-something elimination?

I started eating oats
Uhm, I'm sure that qualifies as a reason to stop blogging. Or living. Anyhoo. I got quite fat over the last two years and finally realised I'm a bit insulin resistant. Crap happens. Especially with lots of oats. I am now on what I refer to as the Oats & Chromium diet with lots of trips to Hell For Fat People (also known as the Gym) where I have to do aerobics behind a tiny social science (=braindead, I mean, of course, she must be) student butt which delicately bobs left and right while my own gigantic old ass sways waayyyyyyy to the left and whoooohooo to the right and shudders with each beat. Freakin' hate those twenty-somethings!!! Assholes!!! Tiny ones!!!! Arghghghh!!!! Ok, got that out then.

When one big thing is always on your mind, nothing else seems worthy of blogging about
The thing I've most wanted to talk about - not falling pregnant after trying really, really hard for over three years now - is just not the type of thing you spill out on a public blog where prospective employers can read it. Because, as sure as the fact that independent contractors like myself will NOT get maternity leave unless we proceed with painful labour law negotiations and despite the halo's with regards to equal opportunity in our beautiful constitution, even for fat pregnant chicks, that is most definitely something that will keep you from finally getting that great permie job with a corner office or that long-term contract on the Extremely Awesome Strategic Enterprise Application Architecture Project. And don't argue with me now: I did my masters thesis on this very topic. I know stuff. It's, like, you know, research: sharing with your interviewee that you are going for fertility treatment will not, I repeat, WILL NOT get you the job but it will make for some wonderfully awkward moments which I can then, later on, blog about. Bring it on.

Also, the blog can not be dead 'cause the fish are still alive. Grant keeps feeding them (all his fault), so they keep breeding (obviously THEY have it all figured out) and the same ol' fish that got this blog going is still swimming in the corner of my kitchen in the cat-TV aquarium. It's the way of things. So I’ll keep it going, keep blogging, keep it real, even when life seems to be standing still, hanging in there while I defrazzle myself in its often homemade complexities.

So, the blog is back. Thank you for those readers that hung in there and kept checking for updates. Yes, both of you. ]]> http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dxcomments/no-i-did-not-die-in-the-storm http://www.adeleida.co.za/sites/adeleida/blog.nsf/dx/no-i-did-not-die-in-the-storm?opendocument&comments