Yesterday we were five weeks pregnant :) . (I told Grant in the Woolies queue yesterday that WE are pregnant, but I think the only impact it had was that he got himself another late-night snackie...). Five weeks is one week closer to that first huge milestone of six weeks, when that little heartbeat hopefully shows up on the first scan and risks of miscarrying diminishes sharply.

Thoughts at this point:

• I'm slowly easing myself into feeling a bit more confident that this is actually, finally happening, and trying to let go of all the ghosts that infertility brings to one. It is very hard. I'm trying to get to a point where I can feel ok just falling in love with the thought of being pregnant myself without constantly feeling a guilty tug at all those left behind, still struggling and hurting. This is very important, I think, as at the end of the day, this was always the goal of our journey through infertility: to have a family. We decided against adoption, and donor or surrogate routes were probably not going to fly with us either. Now, I have arrived, at least for the immediate future. So, it is about achieving a balance between remembering and being compassionate, yet not taking away from one's own joy and inhibiting the dreaming and hoping and just wallowing in what the future may bring. I'm getting better at this, I think. I'm falling in love with the idea of being pregnant, I even ventured out and bought a onesie to force myself to get over that big mental block that infertility puts into your life, with regards to exposure to everything and anything to do with babies. It's cute. It is blue and has a train on. Please note that if I have a girl, she will most probably love blue and trains. Who made the blue for boys rule anyway???
• What do we want??? I think people shy away from this question with a saintly "oh anything as long as it is healthy" (urgh) 'cause there is this impression that if you don't get what you want, you'd be disappointed or not love it as much or whatever other crap. So, we all know that is not the way things play out, we love what we get, so I'm quite bold to announce that: Grant wants a boy, I want twins (any gender, preferably both genders).
• About the twin thing: at this point, I would be incredibly surprised if we are not expecting twins. My motivations:
  • Of course, as a start, we transferred two good looking blastocysts, which both could have implanted
  • My hCG betas taken over four measurements, every second day, was: 31, 112, 314, 749. It is mostly climbing at quite a bit more than the usual doubling rate. Which may (but also may not) indicate more than one
  • My official 14 days past ovulation hCG beta test was 314 - quite high, which may (or maybe not) indicate more than one
  • My progesterone is sky-high, which could (or not...) indicate that there's more brewing
  • I got heartburn last week already, terrible, horrible heartburn, which seems a bit early as this usually kicks in later, which may (or, sigh, may not, especially at the time I was eating fudge) indicate more than one
  • I'm hungry ALL THE TIME. I'm only five weeks, for crying out loud! What's with the eating??? Although I seem not to be able to eat much at one go - one piece of toast instead of two, a small meal every two hours instead of a big one, I am eating LOTS: I'm like a big cow nibbling the whole day, and I'm talking high calorie stuff: cheese, nuts, avo's, actually I'll eat pretty much anything that I can find (minus the stuff giving me heartburn, though!). Yet, not gaining a single gram. In fact, once last week, I weighed less. Big thumbs up for having more snacks that day...munch munch munch... Usually when I just let go like this, I'd gain weight at a rate of a kilogram every two days or so. Hence... my thoughts that something is burning this all up. It's wonderful, though. I haven't had cheese for so long, and I'm nibbling little blocks of nice old cheddar throughout the day now without any effect. Bliss. My guess is that this won't last, so I will have to curb the eating habits at some point!!! Dang.
  • I'm incredibly tired. I haven't been able to work a full day for the whole of last week and I seem to come home, collapse like a dead person, and go to bed really early just to sleep it out really late in the mornings (minus the three times I now have to get up in the night to wee). I am really, really, really, really tired, most of the day. Abnormally tired. Surely only one little bean can't eat up energy like that!
  • I just... know. I'm not the type that know things - I am amused at people that claim to intuitively feel things or bring any non-scientific claims to events. But this time, I'm different. Which means I'd probably pour some egg on my own face when I'm wrong :) but, it's weird, I just feel like it could be two. Maybe it is just truly what I hope for, embedding itself into my mind.
  • And, having said all that, if I had to objectively look from the outside and judge what I, personally, would be able to cope with best, without driving me dotty and pulling blankets over my head once baba is here, it would be only one. Twins, phew... it's like one has to build an assembly line of some sort at home that deals with the feed, burp, poop, sleep, cry cycle and there just is none of those hours of gazing into a sleepy baby's face and just sitting and rocking in a chair, just learning the crinkles in his or her face and getting to know what exactly this thing is that you are holding. It's just crazy, all the time!

Our first scan is next week Wednesday, which will reveal all. It is sheer torture having to wait this long!!! I'll be corny and say, yeah, at the end of the day, please, all we want is to see that little heartbeat. Just. That. Please.

PS: My mother-in-law is washing her huge doll collection's clothes and bringing it all over, you know, for the baby. I'm terrified.... All in all, the mother-in-law may be driving me dotty before the maybe-twins do, but at least I know she means well so I hope I can just go with the flow and pray that the right words and actions come to me during our interactions in the next nine months and, well, next twenty years really. At least she is so excited and just loving the thought of finally becoming a grandma. I just wonder whether those dolls are, in fact, wearing Voortrekker outfits...laugh... ;)

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Adeleida Bingham August 24th, 2009 07:37:02 PM