The last two weeks was spent in Potchefstroom, a town that definitely begs for a post of its own as it is... I dunno, what can I say, an odd little place yet somehow enjoyable, although it feels good to leave. You know what I mean? Anyway, I did my two weeks Physiology practical here and it has been fantastic - a bit like a holiday with lots of interactive entertainment scheduled with nice long breaks in between, sadly with an exam at the end to spoil things, which is happening tomorrow.

Last night four of us "mature students" in the class went out for dinner. I just want to mention at this point that although I am usually a person that just keeps to myself and enjoy my own company tremendously, being surrounded by people and company these last two weeks with no one but one lady knowing that my dad has passed away, has been incredibly good for me. And so was last night. However... what really bites are all the reminders. Like the one guy mentioning that the week before our practical started he was in Hermanus and it was great because there was nobody there as the weather was so miserable and rainy all week. And all I can think of is, yes, how can I forget, the rain every single day in the week my father passed away, and how it came down in buckets the day of his funeral, and all the people standing in the rain outside the church at the end, and the police lights outside the church shining through the mist and.. and... and... And then we order some wine and us two Capetonians at the table spot the Neil Ellis Cabernet Sauv. and we both rave about it, and I am reminded that my dad first introduced me to this magical brand and he called the Neil Ellis white wines a nectar from heaven (which it surely is), and I wanted to order it just because I needed to honour him and have my own silent toast to him with that first glass. And then we talk about what the world will look like in fifty years, where will the Indians and Chinese be in rank, and I am reminded of the dinner my dad invited me to with the Chinese deputy minister of Land Affairs and the incredibly fancy twenty two course meal they prepared for us and how afterwards I heard the staff got sweet & sour pork and rice in the kitchen and how I wish I could have had that rather! But worse was when the one guy suddenly said, hey, remember it's Father's Day this Sunday. And he looked at me with such enthusiasm and there were plans in his eyes of stuff he was going to do and I could just put my head down and admire the pattern in the tablecloth and nod biting back the tears and the words My Dad Died Three Weeks Ago, so there will be no Father's day this year. Or next year. Or ever again. Only a memory and a wish that he was still there and regrets and sadness and more memories.

But still, it was so good being among people because even if they do not know, it helps, it helps talking about other things and just being around other people. When I woke up this morning, I cried so long thinking about all these reminders last night and I think right now the phase of grief I'm going through is just feeling like I was not a good daughter. Which reminds me of when my dad and I saw the movie "Gladiator" together - not because he would enjoy it for its popularity but more because he was an expert on the Roman Empire and a great admirer of Marcus Aurelius, and at one point this great emperor tells his daughter: 'Let us pretend that you are a loving daughter, and I am a good father.' And she answers 'This is a pleasant fiction, is it not?'. And this is the kind of stuff that is just breaking my heart at this point: wondering whether I could have been more loving and more present and more forgiving and more... more... I can't even think what would happen if I had to stumble across a radio station playing The Living Years at this point.

And then, my birthday present: another negative pregnancy blood test this month. I have no idea what the universe's idea of balance is, but it is not turning my way.

So, I have mixed feelings. So many people phoning me and congratulating me and being kind and wonderful. And on the other hand it's been a very tough three weeks. Oh, forgot to mention: on top of all this, my mother-in-law had three epileptic fits brought on by really bad bronchitis brought on by standing in the rain at my father's funeral. She is out of hospital and she (and her cat) has now moved in with us for the foreseeable future, which is going to be good. And I'm phoning my own mom every day. Which is a change from the past. The living years. It's all we have.